Research scientist Amanda Nguyen opened up about struggling with depression in the months after taking part in Blue Origin’s controversial first all-female flight.
“When Gayle [King] called to check in on me in the aftermath of the spaceflight, I told her my depression might last for years. Another dream turned into a nightmare,” Nguyen, 34, who became the first Vietnamese woman to go to space, wrote via Instagram on Sunday, December 28.
Nguyen recalled the immediate reaction about the round-trip expedition to the edge of space.
“Everything I had worked for — as a scientist, my women’s health research, the years I had trained for this moment, the experiments I operated in space, the history that was being made as the first Vietnamese woman astronaut, on the 50th anniversary of the US-Vietnam war, as the child of boat refugees, the promise I kept to my survivor self,” she wrote. “That dreams are worth fighting for, especially when we’ve deferred them to fight for rights — were buried under an avalanche of misogyny.”
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Nguyen referred to the subsequent public negativity as “staggering,” adding, “It amounted to billions of hostile impressions — an onslaught no human brain has evolved to endure. I felt like collateral damage, my moment of justice mutilated. I did not leave Texas for a week, unable to get out of bed. A month later, when a senior staff at Blue called me, I had to hang up on him because I could not speak through my tears.”
In April, Nguyen took part in historic Flight NS-31 alongside King, 71, singer Katy Perry, philanthropist Lauren Sánchez Bezos, former NASA rocket scientist Aisha Bowe and film producer Kerianne Flynn.
The group received backlash after some celebrities slammed the cost of the flight and referred to it as a PR stunt.
“Publicly, it was important to me to remain strong, especially for the sponsors of my seat who made my research and dream come true,” Nguyen noted. “And I continue to be deeply grateful and count all the ways in which the flight has transformed for good. The breast cancer research I flew was uplifted by the media bringing attention to women’s health. The flight opened doors to speak to world leaders and advance my fight for rape survivors rights in an unprecedented way.”
She continued: “For the 30th anniversary of reconciliation between the U.S. and Vietnam, the lotus seeds I flew were exchanged as a symbol of peace. My goal of science as a tool for diplomacy was achieved. There has been overwhelming good that has come out of this.”
Nguyen went through “deep grief” for nearly a year after the flight.
“It’s been 8 months since then, and I’m glad that the fog of grief has started to lift. Vietnam saved me. My friends who continually checked in on me saved me. The love of my community saved me. You all saved me,” she wrote. “Millions of you who took the time to learn about my why — to uplift my research, my activism and my story so it wouldn’t be overshadowed. When the days have been bad, I have held on to every kind interaction you’ve shown me.”
The scientist compared herself to astronaut Neil Armstrong, saying, “When [he] stepped on the moon, bombs rained down on Vietnam. This year, when my boat refugee family looked at the sky, instead of bombs they saw the first Vietnamese woman in space. We came on boats, and now we’re on spaceships.”
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Nguyen praised herself for getting to a better place mentally. “I reached back out to a familiar place, to her — my survivor self — who found the strength to fight. How horrible that I needed to deploy that skill once again,” she explained. “In truth, I wanted to leave her behind, tired of the continued sacrifice replaying the worst day of her life over and over for the consumption of politicians in hopes of legislative change. For once I wanted to be happy. Especially on the day I was supposed to achieve my dream. A nice happy ending.”
While reflecting on the experience, Nguyen shared what she took away from the highs and lows.
“What I’ve learned is that we never fully leave behind our past selves; all parts of us are valuable. It’s OK to remember and recognize the pain we’ve been through rather than erase it. Even through the tsunami of harassment, I was able to tell my survivor self ‘I kept my promise,'” she noted. “I was able to tell her that millions of strangers have kindness and discernment. Thank you for protecting her. It has been the biggest grace to feel that support.”
She concluded: “To every friend that has held my heart in your love. Every person who has shared with me what the power of representation means, every survivor that has shared with me a renewed sense of knowing that their dreams still can come true despite violence, every human who took the time to share my story above the noise. When the grief returns, I begin at your kindness. It is the greatest gift this holiday season that I can feel the fog lifting. I can tell Gayle it’s not going to take years.”